Friday, July 17, 2009

Depressing shit

I have tried to write several blog posts in the past couple of months, but nothing seems to come out right. Story of my life. Nothing I say comes out right. This post is just rambling randomness I guess. Just to get some things off my chest. That's one of the things I worry about. Blogging (mostly on my other blog). Do my posts make sense? Are they good enough? Which is really more important, voice or content? Does it matter? Especially since I'm mostly writing for myself. Does anyone care? Do I care?

I try to tell myself that I don't care what other people think. But I do care, and I hate that. I want to be liked. I want to have friends. Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few true friends. And I think I'm a really good friend, I try very hard to be anyway. I think part of the reason I try so hard may be that I don't want to lose a friendship once I have it. But by trying so hard to please friends, and doing what I think will make them happy, I sometimes feel used. I have such conflicting feelings. Sometimes I tell myself that I don't need friends, I have my husband and he should be all I need (even if I do get annoyed with him sometimes). Other times, I feel very alone and lonely. Ugh. I hate being this way.

I've struggled with depression for a long time, and sadly, I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed again. I've tried to tell myself "just get over yourself already," but that hasn't been very effective lately. I've been really down on myself these past few weeks (months?). I hate it when I get this way. It's hard for me and for my husband. The other day I read this post on Amanda's blog. I've felt the same way a thousand times, and weird as it sounds, it felt good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks those thoughts. It would be so easy just to swerve. But I don't because of what it would do to my husband, and family. How do I deal with the anger, sadness, disappointments, disgust, and all the other emotions on any given day? I don't know. All I know is that I keep existing. Keep trying to be the person people need and expect me to be. Keep trying not to swerve.