Thursday, March 11, 2010

Insert appropriate title here

This will just be more rambling randomness I guess.
I'm feeling really down and just don't have anyone to talk to, so I thought of I just type for a while, it might help me feel better.
I always get depressed around this time of the year. Early spring. I would think it is Seasonal Affective Disorder, but according to everything I've read online, that starts in the fall and gets worse through the winter. In my case, I slowly get more and more depressed through the winter, but just try to deal with it and by the time spring comes, I'm nearly suicidal. I hate being this way. Most of the time I can just push through and tell myself to "get over yourself," but right now, I just don't know if I can.
A lot of why I feel like this is because I don't have friends. I know I've written about that before too, so I don't want to just keep harping on it, but damn. I'm lonely. I love my husband and he's wonderful, but he's been gone all week and I've been here, stuck in this damn apartment all week by myself. I'm sure you're saying, "Crystal, just get in your car and go somewhere and do something." Well, that would be nice, but my car is messed up. Last time I tried to go anywhere was Saturday and it quit on me twice, so I don't want to press my luck. On top of that, it's been raining a lot, so that makes it hard to get out and walk anywhere, although I did get out twice today. Once just to go for a walk to get out of the apartment, another to go get something to eat at the deli down the street. A few hours before I went to get something to eat, I posted on Facebook that I was going to go there for dinner at 6:30 and if anyone would like to join me I'd love some company. Now, I didn't really think anyone would come, and they didn't, but I figured maybe a couple of people would say "if I weren't so busy..." or that they would like to but couldn't. The only person that said anything like that was E., she said : "I wish I could I would love a BMW night!" (BMW is short for Bitching, Moaning, and Whining. It's what we would say when we needed to complain about work.) She wanted to spend time with me, but only to complain about her life. My response was "Drive on down, I'll listen. Or you can just call me later :-)" I didn't care, I would listen to her complain, just to have some kind of interaction, but of course, she didn't come or call. But at least she did say something, which is more than any of my other "friends" did.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a downer in person. I try to be a happy, upbeat person. No one know that on the inside I'm so sad. I feel like the only reason anyone wants to be around me is to use me for one reason or another. I've only had a few friends in my life that I felt wanted to be my friend just for the sake of friendship, because they actually liked me and wanted to be around me. Everyone else just tolerates me because I will help them in some way. What is so wrong with me? I've alway heard that to get friends you have to be a friend first, I've tried that. It doesn't work. Any advice?
Tomorrow I will probably be fine and get over myself, but tonight, I just needed to get it out.