Friday, July 17, 2009

Depressing shit

I have tried to write several blog posts in the past couple of months, but nothing seems to come out right. Story of my life. Nothing I say comes out right. This post is just rambling randomness I guess. Just to get some things off my chest. That's one of the things I worry about. Blogging (mostly on my other blog). Do my posts make sense? Are they good enough? Which is really more important, voice or content? Does it matter? Especially since I'm mostly writing for myself. Does anyone care? Do I care?

I try to tell myself that I don't care what other people think. But I do care, and I hate that. I want to be liked. I want to have friends. Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few true friends. And I think I'm a really good friend, I try very hard to be anyway. I think part of the reason I try so hard may be that I don't want to lose a friendship once I have it. But by trying so hard to please friends, and doing what I think will make them happy, I sometimes feel used. I have such conflicting feelings. Sometimes I tell myself that I don't need friends, I have my husband and he should be all I need (even if I do get annoyed with him sometimes). Other times, I feel very alone and lonely. Ugh. I hate being this way.

I've struggled with depression for a long time, and sadly, I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed again. I've tried to tell myself "just get over yourself already," but that hasn't been very effective lately. I've been really down on myself these past few weeks (months?). I hate it when I get this way. It's hard for me and for my husband. The other day I read this post on Amanda's blog. I've felt the same way a thousand times, and weird as it sounds, it felt good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks those thoughts. It would be so easy just to swerve. But I don't because of what it would do to my husband, and family. How do I deal with the anger, sadness, disappointments, disgust, and all the other emotions on any given day? I don't know. All I know is that I keep existing. Keep trying to be the person people need and expect me to be. Keep trying not to swerve.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Funny Freecycle

So, today I was checking the email address that I use to subscribe to Yahoo groups, and thought I would share what I found with you. I'm subscribed to several nearby cities' Freecycle groups, and sometimes there are some strange requests or offers. This is the strangest one I've seen so far.

"L@@king For New &/Or Used Tongue Rings

I'm disabled & I just got my tongue repierced but the end of July is my daughters 4th birthday & then she starts to school in the second week of August. Right now everything is focused on her & I know that's where the focus needs to be. Also I would love to have some different types of tongue rings to be able to wear to her birthday party, to wear to orientation at her school & open house at her school. It would be nice to have a couple of retainers just in case might need them but really I would like the larger & more noticeable ones for right now. You can e-mail me at***"

I don't know about you guys, but I find this wrong in SOOO many ways. First of all, used tongue rings, ewww! Second, what does being disabled have to do with anything? Third, Why the hell do you want to show off your tongue ring at your daughter's birthday party and at her school? I will just never understand some people.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I don't have many friends. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Actually, most of the time I don't even think about it. Originally, that was one of the reasons I wanted to start my other blog. Sometimes I feel like I have things I need to say, but no one really to tell them to. I hold back things on the other blog because there are a few people I know "in real life" who read it, and I guess I don't want to say things to offend anyone, but sometimes I don't feel like I can be myself. I feel like I have to be nice all of the time, and damn it, sometimes I'm just not nice. That's a big reason why I haven't posted much in the past few months. Sometimes I just need to bitch and complain to get things off my chest. I wrote a similar post a while back. Then I got busy with sewing and cakes and couponing, and that part of my life sort of took over my other blog. So even though I said I was going to do and say what I wanted there...that didn't really happen. So yeah, I'm a hypocrite. I never said I wasn't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two separate people living in the same body. There's the part of me that is a good, sweet, Christian housewife who loves to cook and bake and sew. Then there's the part of me that likes to watch Southpark and Boondocks, and play video games, and complain, and cuss, and be sarcastic, and say mean things about people. Both of these people are who I am. These people are like night and day.

So, I've started this blog to write about the things I don't feel like I can say elsewhere. The other one is for the couponing, cooking, baking, sewing, housewifey part of who I am, and this one is for the other, more personal stuff that the people who follow my other blog may not want to read. I will probably talk about a lot of stupid shit, and cuss a lot and complain a lot. And there will be a lot of crude humor. This will be more about my everyday life I suppose.

If you read something you don't like here, stop fucking reading it. I will say that again. IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY - DON'T READ IT!!! If you don't agree with my political views or morals, well, that's your problem. If I know you, you may get talked about. Get over it. Yeah, I'm a mean bitch. But I'm usually a pretty funny mean bitch. Maybe that is why I'm socially awkward.