Musical Monday

I liked the Musical Monday post at My Kids Might Be Martians when I read it a little while ago, so I'm being a copycat and doing a Musial Monday post too. Yeah, I've never been accused of being original.
So anyway, here are some Amos Lee videos for you. I REALLY like this guy's music.

Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight is a good one.


Shout Out Loud is probably his most well known song; the first one of his I ever heard. The official video is on YouTube, but embedding has been disabled for it. So here's a video from one of his live shows.



Southern Girl is one of my favorite songs of his.


Here at MSU, this weekend is Super Bulldog Weekend. I couldn't care less about the sports stuff, but the other activities that take place during the weekend are a lot of fun. One of them being the Cotton District Arts Festival, which is cool. The other being the Old Main Music Festival. Guess who's play at it this year? Yep, Amos Lee. Can we say excited?

Insert appropriate title here

This will just be more rambling randomness I guess.
I'm feeling really down and just don't have anyone to talk to, so I thought of I just type for a while, it might help me feel better.
I always get depressed around this time of the year. Early spring. I would think it is Seasonal Affective Disorder, but according to everything I've read online, that starts in the fall and gets worse through the winter. In my case, I slowly get more and more depressed through the winter, but just try to deal with it and by the time spring comes, I'm nearly suicidal. I hate being this way. Most of the time I can just push through and tell myself to "get over yourself," but right now, I just don't know if I can.
A lot of why I feel like this is because I don't have friends. I know I've written about that before too, so I don't want to just keep harping on it, but damn. I'm lonely. I love my husband and he's wonderful, but he's been gone all week and I've been here, stuck in this damn apartment all week by myself. I'm sure you're saying, "Crystal, just get in your car and go somewhere and do something." Well, that would be nice, but my car is messed up. Last time I tried to go anywhere was Saturday and it quit on me twice, so I don't want to press my luck. On top of that, it's been raining a lot, so that makes it hard to get out and walk anywhere, although I did get out twice today. Once just to go for a walk to get out of the apartment, another to go get something to eat at the deli down the street. A few hours before I went to get something to eat, I posted on Facebook that I was going to go there for dinner at 6:30 and if anyone would like to join me I'd love some company. Now, I didn't really think anyone would come, and they didn't, but I figured maybe a couple of people would say "if I weren't so busy..." or that they would like to but couldn't. The only person that said anything like that was E., she said : "I wish I could I would love a BMW night!" (BMW is short for Bitching, Moaning, and Whining. It's what we would say when we needed to complain about work.) She wanted to spend time with me, but only to complain about her life. My response was "Drive on down, I'll listen. Or you can just call me later :-)" I didn't care, I would listen to her complain, just to have some kind of interaction, but of course, she didn't come or call. But at least she did say something, which is more than any of my other "friends" did.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a downer in person. I try to be a happy, upbeat person. No one know that on the inside I'm so sad. I feel like the only reason anyone wants to be around me is to use me for one reason or another. I've only had a few friends in my life that I felt wanted to be my friend just for the sake of friendship, because they actually liked me and wanted to be around me. Everyone else just tolerates me because I will help them in some way. What is so wrong with me? I've alway heard that to get friends you have to be a friend first, I've tried that. It doesn't work. Any advice?
Tomorrow I will probably be fine and get over myself, but tonight, I just needed to get it out.

She's cool

So the girl I was talking about in the last post? She came over to eat supper and watch a movie with us tonight. I have to admit, she's a pretty cool chick. I knew I was being silly about being jealous, but now I really know that everything's ok.
Also, we went over to a friend's game night Tuesday and that went really well. I didn't say or do anything stupid, so it was a good night.
:-)

jealousy and other random thoughts

I can't sleep and I think I'm getting sick, so I figured since I've been meaning to write some more on here that now would be a good time (rather than toss and turn in bed).

The last time I posted here was about E. We've talked a couple of times since then, so we're on speaking terms again, but we're not close anymore and probably won't ever be again. She's just too into herself to be a good friend, so I'll just consider her an acquaintance and move on. In this case, I'm pretty sure that it was not my social ineptitude to blame (for a change).

The holidays were good mostly, but a little stressful because of my father, but that's a long story and I'll write more about that later.

I know it's silly, and I usually never feel this way, but my husband is on a trip with a bunch of students from the university and one of them is a girl, and I'm not sure how I feel about him spending so much time with her. I'm sure I'm being ridiculous, but I just can't stop thinking about it, and need to get it off my chest I guess. My husband is a 30 year old PhD student who will soon be an instructor, and the girl is a 20 year old sophomore. I know there's nothing going on or anything, it just irks me that they're having fun together and I'm not there. Every time I've talked to him the past 2 days, he's had something to say about her and how fun or cool she is or what-ever-the-fuck, and it's getting to me. I've tried to be cool and understanding about it and at first I was all like "that's good that you're watching out for her" and all that shit, and said she sounded nice (and I'm sure she is) and when he said we should have her over for supper sometime I was all "sure." That was the first time I talked to him since he had left for the trip, but I've talked to him 5 or 6 times and he mentions her every time. And when we were chatting on Google earlier (he forgot his phone charger and his phone was dead), he mentions that they are going to breakfast in the morning. Alone. Because they are not required to go to that part of the conference. I just don't like it. I'm glad he's coming home tomorrow. I really hope there aren't any airport delays because of weather. Like I said, I know I'm being silly, but I just can't help it. Oh, and honey, if you're reading this, don't ever tell me. I already don't have anyone to talk to about stuff and this is the only outlet I have left, so let me have it. Because I just can't talk to you about everything.

Which brings up the question of how come I can't talk to anybody I know about some things, but I feel perfectly fine putting it out there for all the world to read? I don't understand it myself.

Depressing shit

I have tried to write several blog posts in the past couple of months, but nothing seems to come out right. Story of my life. Nothing I say comes out right. This post is just rambling randomness I guess. Just to get some things off my chest. That's one of the things I worry about. Blogging (mostly on my other blog). Do my posts make sense? Are they good enough? Which is really more important, voice or content? Does it matter? Especially since I'm mostly writing for myself. Does anyone care? Do I care?

I try to tell myself that I don't care what other people think. But I do care, and I hate that. I want to be liked. I want to have friends. Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few true friends. And I think I'm a really good friend, I try very hard to be anyway. I think part of the reason I try so hard may be that I don't want to lose a friendship once I have it. But by trying so hard to please friends, and doing what I think will make them happy, I sometimes feel used. I have such conflicting feelings. Sometimes I tell myself that I don't need friends, I have my husband and he should be all I need (even if I do get annoyed with him sometimes). Other times, I feel very alone and lonely. Ugh. I hate being this way.

I've struggled with depression for a long time, and sadly, I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed again. I've tried to tell myself "just get over yourself already," but that hasn't been very effective lately. I've been really down on myself these past few weeks (months?). I hate it when I get this way. It's hard for me and for my husband. The other day I read this post on Amanda's blog. I've felt the same way a thousand times, and weird as it sounds, it felt good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks those thoughts. It would be so easy just to swerve. But I don't because of what it would do to my husband, and family. How do I deal with the anger, sadness, disappointments, disgust, and all the other emotions on any given day? I don't know. All I know is that I keep existing. Keep trying to be the person people need and expect me to be. Keep trying not to swerve.

Funny Freecycle

So, today I was checking the email address that I use to subscribe to Yahoo groups, and thought I would share what I found with you. I'm subscribed to several nearby cities' Freecycle groups, and sometimes there are some strange requests or offers. This is the strangest one I've seen so far.

"L@@king For New &/Or Used Tongue Rings

I'm disabled & I just got my tongue repierced but the end of July is my daughters 4th birthday & then she starts to school in the second week of August. Right now everything is focused on her & I know that's where the focus needs to be. Also I would love to have some different types of tongue rings to be able to wear to her birthday party, to wear to orientation at her school & open house at her school. It would be nice to have a couple of retainers just in case might need them but really I would like the larger & more noticeable ones for right now. You can e-mail me at***"

I don't know about you guys, but I find this wrong in SOOO many ways. First of all, used tongue rings, ewww! Second, what does being disabled have to do with anything? Third, Why the hell do you want to show off your tongue ring at your daughter's birthday party and at her school? I will just never understand some people.

I don't have many friends. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Actually, most of the time I don't even think about it. Originally, that was one of the reasons I wanted to start my other blog. Sometimes I feel like I have things I need to say, but no one really to tell them to. I hold back things on the other blog because there are a few people I know "in real life" who read it, and I guess I don't want to say things to offend anyone, but sometimes I don't feel like I can be myself. I feel like I have to be nice all of the time, and damn it, sometimes I'm just not nice. That's a big reason why I haven't posted much in the past few months. Sometimes I just need to bitch and complain to get things off my chest. I wrote a similar post a while back. Then I got busy with sewing and cakes and couponing, and that part of my life sort of took over my other blog. So even though I said I was going to do and say what I wanted there...that didn't really happen. So yeah, I'm a hypocrite. I never said I wasn't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two separate people living in the same body. There's the part of me that is a good, sweet, Christian housewife who loves to cook and bake and sew. Then there's the part of me that likes to watch Southpark and Boondocks, and play video games, and complain, and cuss, and be sarcastic, and say mean things about people. Both of these people are who I am. These people are like night and day.

So, I've started this blog to write about the things I don't feel like I can say elsewhere. The other one is for the couponing, cooking, baking, sewing, housewifey part of who I am, and this one is for the other, more personal stuff that the people who follow my other blog may not want to read. I will probably talk about a lot of stupid shit, and cuss a lot and complain a lot. And there will be a lot of crude humor. This will be more about my everyday life I suppose.

If you read something you don't like here, stop fucking reading it. I will say that again. IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY - DON'T READ IT!!! If you don't agree with my political views or morals, well, that's your problem. If I know you, you may get talked about. Get over it. Yeah, I'm a mean bitch. But I'm usually a pretty funny mean bitch. Maybe that is why I'm socially awkward.